and even more Javi (!!!) Martínez, this time with Fernando Llorente!
As promised… Javi (!!!) Martínez day continues (albeit a bit late)!
Did you enjoy Javi’s (!!!) last appearance on “Uyyyyy?” Well, he’s back, this time with Fernando Llorente! This episode was filmed in September of last year, and in it, Fernando eats his beloved pears from Rincón de Soto, Javi (!!!) dresses up as a fireman and the boys try their hands at being referees, among many other hilarious things! These two are so adorable. Once again, the translation is brought to you by Jen, and the observations and comments sprinkled throughout the translation are both her thoughts and mine. And you know the drill, all the “Javi” and “JM” below are to be read as “Javi (!!!)” and “J (!!!) M,” respectively.
Óscar Terol: Right, now’s the time to go to the bathroom, have some coffee, because in ten minutes I’ll be here with Javi Martínez and Fernando Llorente, two cracks of Athletic, of La Roja, of everything… How are you, have you recovered from the match at San Mamés?
Fernando Llorente: Yes, yes, we’ve recovered.
Javi Martínez: (nods)
OT: You have to say “sí, sí, recuperados,” too.
JM: Yes, yes…
OT: Javier, you’re doing it wrong!
JM: Yes, yes, we’re recovered!
OT: Don’t worry, Joaquín [Caparrós, coach of Athletic Bilbao], they’re not drinking anything but isotonic drinks, so stay calm…
Bartender: Something fizzy, boys?
Juanma López Iturriaga: No, man, they’re athletes, Sex in the City… [it looks like the makings of a Sex on the Beach].
OT: We’ll see you back here in ten minutes!
[Introduction and a skit about Amorebieta’s expulsion in the Athletic-Barcelona match.]
OT: Our two guests today, two cracks, began the year with no idea of what was about to befall them. They couldn’t even imagine it themselves!
[Clip of Javi]
Q: Do you see yourself in South Africa, at the World Cup?
JM: No, no, I don’t see myself there, I see it as something very difficult.
Q: We’re betting on you!
[Clip of Fernando in a tank top that’s three sizes too small at the very least.]
Q: The thought of being able to go to the World Cup, was it something you’ve dreamed about since you were very little?
FL: Yes, I think so, since I was a boy I’ve dreamed of playing in something like this… you see it on TV, and I think it’s the biggest thing there is in football, no?
OT: (imitating Javi) “No me veo, no me veo, yo no me veo en Sudáfrica” Javi Martínez! Let’s give a big round of applause to Fernando Llorente and Javi Martínez!
[Woman with the vuvuzela interrupts.]
OT: Sorry, madame, would you mind? Thanks very much. We’ll get on with the program. And speaking of vuvuzelas, they’re deafening, no?
FL: Yes, the truth is that they were unbearable. The bench was where you heard them loudest and…
OT: Oh, you guys were on the bench?
FL: Yes, most of the time, supporting the team!
OT: By the way, did you guys bring back any vuvuzelas as souvenirs?
JM: Not even one.
FL: We were very tired of them by the end.
OT: Good evening, Fernando Llorente, I’d like to welcome you specially to this plató, because you haven’t been here before. You [gesturing to Javi], it’s like you’re in your own home. We’ve even brought you some slippers, so you can sit back and relax.
JM: Should I put them on?
OT: By the way, we need to say thank you to the audience tonight – the Peñas de Fernando Llorente from Rincón de Soto and from Santutxo, Peña [inaudible, but it’s not of Javi or Fer], and the Peña de admiradoras (female fans) of Javi Martínez – no, really, it exists! “Morritos” (“Pouty”) Martínez! And the pears, the pears that they brought from Rincón de Soto!
FL: Have some!
OT: Is it good? You have some too, Javi! Let’s see – the pears are really good!
FL: It’s really good! [He keeps eating the pear!]
OT: Hey, wait, I’m going to ask you questions now, Fernando! I guess with that body… But it seems like we’re at my house!
[They discuss the match between Athletic and Barcelona, and show a clip of Amorebieta’s red card. They also discuss the opening of a new stadium in Rincón de Soto, and various current events relating to La Liga. Javi asks the waiter for Cola Cao.]
OT: Fernando, one thing about you, is that you’re very good at withstanding all the kicks – no, don’t laugh – and it’s not easy, because Fernando Llorente is a footballer who can take challenges with a sense of humor.
[They show a clip of Fer having a midair collision, and walking away in a very funny manner, with an audio track that make it sound like he’s swearing. Then Rafa Nadal and Roger Federer “comment” on it.]
OT: Fernando, we’d like to thank you for the entertainment you provide us with those little details…
FL: It’s good. I do it for you guys, you know?
OT: Fernando, the other day, they asked you whose “marking” was tougher, Piqué’s or your girlfriend’s? A sensitive subject… but how does your girlfriend “mark” you? [i.e., how she gets in his personal space?]
FL: No, muy bien (very well). She doesn’t have any problems with me.
OT: Do you have to wear shinguards?
FL: No, nothing like that!
OT: We’ve got her on the phone – no, just kidding! Among friends, we can’t do these sorts of things to each other! She’s sitting in the audience, but we’re not going to put the camera on her. By the way, it has to be a little bit weird for you guys, Javi, to play against eight teammates from la selección española. I mean, when you’re on the pitch, do you think, “oh, I’ll just pass the ball to Iniesta” or “hey, Xavi, take this!”
JM: No, no. It’s true that we became very good friends with them, not just with them, but with the whole team, but it’s like they always say – when the referee blows his whistle, for 90 minutes, you’re not friends.
OT: No vuvuzelas, no World Cup, no nothing?
JM: Nothing, nothing.
[They do a skit with “Tomáš Ujfaluši,” and they discuss the Copa del Rey.]
Waiter: Here are the two beers you ordered, nice and cold. Caparrós, they’re 0.0% alcohol. Hey, I’ll pay for this, Fernando, don’t worry. I’ve heard about that FIFA I.O.U., that they don’t want to pay you guys the money from the World Cup, what was it, a hundred million pesetas?
JM: That’s very generous of you.
Waiter: It’s on me!
OT: Very generous.
Waiter: Take good care of these poor people, you hear me? FIFA, FIFA, FIFA.
OT: Yes, they’re so poor. Thanks very much.
Waiter: You have to be like the miners, take to the streets, dammit! It makes me so sad!
[They go back to discussing the Copa del Rey.]
OT: Javi, this year there’s a derby against Real Sociedad. I know that La Real are excited to face off against you, and I guess you guys are too?
JM: Yes, we’re excited, really excited.
OT: Sit up a bit more! [imitates Javi, leaning back and sounding bored] “Yes, we’re so excited, it’s the most important match of the year!”
[I love it when Javi gets distracted whenever they’re not talking to him! He does this a lot in press conferences as well.]
JM: Hey, if I’m supposed to make myself at home, and then you get mad when I’m relaxed…
OT: Yes, you’re very much at home. Now, about the match on Saturday, the most important question was, who’s more guapo (handsome), Fernando Llorente or Gerard Piqué?
[Video clip of people being asked who’s hotter. The answers are either: Llorente, Piqué, “I can’t choose,” or “I’m more a fan of the team than the body.”]
OT: This guy is muy guapo! The truth is, Fernando, I look at you – no, in seriousness – and you remind me of classical beauty. Let’s have a little bit of music…
FL: They’re laughing!
OT: Those statues – I’m not going to say Greek or Roman, because I’m sure I’ll get it wrong – but Michaelangelo’s David. [Very wrong, Óscar! Michaelangelo is Italian Renaissance. You’re off by more than a thousand years!]
FL: You think?
OT: I don’t just think so, I know so, and you’ll believe it too. Look – there it is!
[Image of the David, with Fernando’s face photoshopped on.]
OT: We haven’t retouched the picture at all! Well… no, the picture’s almost the same. But in terms of art, Fernando, we all have our own styles. Me, for example, I recognize myself in the style of Botero, the painter who paints these women – like this [i.e. fat]. You can’t complain, eh?
FL: No, bien, bien. There are some differences.
OT: Substantial differences. You’ve also been a model, you worked with the firefighters of Bilbao on their calendar – we’ll talk about that in a little bit. If a footballer hooks up with a lot of girls, and a model also hooks up a lot, how many girls can you get as a footballer-model?
FL: In my case, none, because as I’ve said before, I’ve got a girlfriend, so…
OT: Ujfaluši is nearby, huh? Well…
[Javi can’t stop laughing at this.]
OT: Don’t laugh, Javi, I’m coming for you next. Now that you’re into modeling, you’re part of the fashion world, how do you put on a handsome face, even though you already have one? But more handsome?
FL: Well, I don’t know. I think the most important thing is to be natural, no?
OT: But some people’s “natural” is a lot more pleasant than that of others…
FL: Yeah? Are you going to get out another video, or what?
OT: Javi, about your morritos (pouty lips)…
JM: What morritos?
OT: Llorente, now that you’re giving interviews a lot, do you have a catchphrase [a muletilla, a sort of linguistic “crutch”] that you use more than others, something that works for you?
FL: I’m trying to get rid of them, but things like “la verdad es que” (the truth is that)…
OT: Only that? There are no other ones?
FL: I’m sure there are some other ones…
OT: Well, we just sort of found this…
[Video clip of Fernando, saying “bueno” at least twice per sentence.]
FL: But “bueno” is a nice word, no?
OT: He says, but “bueno” is a nice word!
[Waiter comes out with a plate of what appear to be peanuts.]
OT: Fernando, just put these headphones on so I can ask Javi some questions – wait a minute…
FL: How kind of you!
Waiter: It’s my treat. Caparrós – Javi, Javi, no, no, spit it out – Caparrós, these are low in calories and salt-free, okay? A hundred million, a hundred million, absolutely shameless!
OT: Let’s get back on script, get a bit more serious. I want to ask Javi a question, it’s personal, so put on the headphones so you can’t hear. Javi…
JM: They told him a joke or something?
OT: Javi, has Fernando started to use beauty products in the locker room? Conditioners, exfoliators, that sort of thing?
JM: No, no, no [Javi makes that cute little noise he always makes]. Not at the moment. He sometimes puts on deodorant, and other times he doesn’t.
OT: So we don’t have to worry just yet…
FL: I can hear what you’re saying, eh?
OT: Thanks very much, Javi. Now you put on the headphones. You read my mind.
FL: They’ll look really good on you.
OT: Everything in order? Good, okay. We’re going to start talking about the World Cup, Fernando. What was more annoying: the noise of the vuvuzelas, Pepe Reina with a microphone in his hand, or Javi Martínez with his little magic tricks?
FL: No, hombre, he was pretty good. He did a trick for you guys when he was on this show before, and he’s learning.
OT: So he got better while he was there?
FL: Yes, he’s getting better, definitely.
OT: You can take them off now, thank you both very much! A round of applause, please! We’re going to talk about the World Cup now, since the topic has come up. You guys won the World Cup! Has it changed your lives?
FL: Bueno… (Javi laughs when he says “bueno” and imitates him) I think that what we’ve achieved is something so great that it’s going to last forever, no?
OT: What do I know, I mean, you do normal things like the rest of us, but are there some days when you just wake up and say, “Damn! I won the World Cup!”?
FT: Well, that’s there, but we’ve sort of forgotten it a little bit because we have to concentrate on the current season, no? And what we’ve achieved isn’t going to help us right now.
OT: Of course.
FT: But it’s clear that what we’ve achieved will always be there.
OT: So that we mortals don’t feel like such bad people, could you tell us something bad about Iniesta? And not just from the other day [when Barça beat Athletic]. He’s humble, he scored the World Cup-winning goal, he’s a good person, and so normal – does he have even one little fault?
[The boys look like they’re really thinking hard and even discuss it with each other.]
JM: Well, one time I heard him singing and he sang really badly.
OT: That’s something, at least!
JM: I went by his room and he was in the shower…
OT: And what does Iniesta sing in the shower?
JM: I don’t remember, it was something really weird.
OT: It happens with you guys, too, for those of us who watch you on TV and saw all the matches, it was really exciting, you’re the generation that won the World Cup, and you’re all nice, humble, handsome, good people – you must have some faults!
FL: Well, of course, we probably have some…
OT: We probably have some, he says!
FL: We’re not exactly going to make a point of showing our bad sides!
OT: When you won the World Cup, you celebrated on the pitch, in the locker room, on the plane, with the queen, in Madrid… which of the celebrations do you remember most fondly?
JM: The one that I liked best was when I got to my pueblo (hometown), I saw my family, my friends, everyone on the streets. It was really special, you know?
FL: For me, there were two: our arrival in Madrid, which was incredible, the five-and-a-half hours parading through Madrid, you don’t see that sort of crowd every day, and the truth is that it was stunning. And also when I went to my pueblo, they also had a great celebration for me, and I’m really thankful for all the support they’ve given me.
OT: You mentioned it earlier, Fernando, but does the fact that you’ve won the World Cup put more pressure on you guys this year at Athletic? Do you feel obligated to win a title, or to move into one of the top spots in the league?
FL: Hombre, not so much obligated to win a title – it’s what we want, no? It’s what we want more than anything, but it’s very complicated, but we’re going to fight for it, and try to get the highest possible spot in La Liga as well.
OT: Javi, you won the World Cup with the selección absoluta (the senior team), and then you went with the U-21 to have a pachanguita (like an informal match, a game of pick-up) in Finland. You still don’t believe that you won…
JM: No, it wasn’t a pachanguita! We were playing for our lives with the U-21, and I started out with them, for the European Championships qualifiers, and I want to finish it with them, too.
OT: And where do you guys keep your World Cup medals?
JM: Me, at home.
OT: That’s right, you said you wanted to bring it but your brother didn’t let you because he thought you’d lose it.
JM: Yeah, my brother didn’t let me, because since I’m a disaster and I lose everything… he thinks I’m going to lose it.
FL: If you had told me, I would have brought mine.
OT: Well, then you’re invited back, in two or three shows, to bring it, how can I say no to that? Right, tell me the truth. In the extra time of the World Cup final, did you guys want to go out on the pitch and play, or did you prefer to stay on the bench and let the others do the dirty work?
FL: Hombre, we really wanted to play. I think that if either of us had been on the pitch, it would have been the best memory of the whole World Cup for us. But there was a lot of competition and it’s clear that not everyone can play.
OT: And now that they’re giving you the Príncipe de Asturias award for sports, the only thing you haven’t got is the Nobel Prize!
JM: We’ll write a book or something.
FL: Javi and I are going to take up writing now.
OT: Well, you’ll certainly have a lot of material! By the way, Fernando, we haven’t talked about this yet, but you collaborated with the firefighters of Bilbao on their charity calendar. Here we have some photos from your photoshoot – did you take off your shirt and do one of those stereotypical firefighter pictures?
FL: No, I didn’t do any of those. I wore a fireman’s suit, but I didn’t take off my clothes.
OT: Well, speaking of calendars, there’s an association of women who have contacted us, Uyyyyy, and they want to – actually, their president has come to the show – because she wants to propose something. Let’s welcome Doña Marisa Lanjarón!
Marisa Lanjarón: ¡Hola! Good evening! How are you? [How cute is it that Javi and Fer remove the slippers?]
OT: Good evening, Marisa, and welcome to the show.
ML: Good evening, Óscar, and thank you very much for inviting me to your show. Which one is my camera, I want to get started right away!
OT: That one.
ML: Good evening!
FL & JM: Good evening.
ML: Can I start now?
OT: They’re all yours. One thing, however – even though they look big and strong, they’re just boys!
ML: The truth is that’s perfect for me! It’s very good. I like them to be good people, but not dumb – it’s an important distinction. Right, then, may I?
OT: Yes, but get on with it, before the show ends!
ML: Yes, yes, thank you, Óscar Terol. Javier, a very good evening to you.
JM: Hola, buenas noches.
ML: Good evening to you, too, Fernando, but now I’m going to talk to Javier. Buenas noches, I’m Marisa.
JM: Marisa Lanjarón.
ML: Marisa Lanjarón, as my name would indicate. I’m the president of Las Chicas de Haro [this sounds like “Las Chicas de Oro,” the Spanish name for “The Golden Girls”]. We’re an association of divorced and separated women, and we’re making a calendar for charity, and Javier, we would really love for you to collaborate with us. We would love it. What do you say?
JM: I’m happy to, encantao!
ML: Thank you, Javier! Truly! The truth is I didn’t expect anything less from you. Thank you for collaborating with us.
JM: It’s a pleasure. [Oh, yes it is, but not for you!]
OT: Wouldn’t it be better, since you’re from Haro, to do some sort of calendar with vine-growers or something?
ML: Óscar, forgive me, please, but this is about selling calendars!
JM: There can be some of everything: wine, women…
ML: Listen to me, Javier! Are we going to put a group of pot-bellied men with veins all over their noses? No, because then we won’t sell anything! We have to put people with a little bit of – you know what I’m saying, Javier?
JM: No, it’s okay, you can touch! [Let’s hope Javi says that to all the women he meets.]
ML: Also, it’s very important, let me tell you! With the money we collect, we’re going to buy a single-serve coffeemaker for the headquarters.
JM: That’s a good plan.
ML: Yes, we have a filter coffeemaker, but it’s not great. And it’s from one of our old members and it brings back bad memories…
JM: It’s a good purchase!
ML: Forgive me, Fernando, for not talking to you, but since you’ve already worked with the firefighters of Bilbao…
FL: Of course!
ML: You don’t mind that I’m collaborating with Javier?
ML: And we’re going to take those pictures, you and me, Javier!
FL: You have to show me them after, because I want to see them.
JM: What type of photos are they?
ML: They are, Javier, some photos in which you will appear – ooh! wow! Wow, Javier!
JM: Touch, you can touch, don’t be afraid!
OT: Let’s get on with the photos, if you don’t mind, Marisa!
ML: Yes, yes… well, we have Las Chicas de Haro in the audience, just there… we’ve chosen well, haven’t we? Good material to work with – ooh! Wow! Oh, and Fernando, if you’re feeling jealous, don’t worry, because I can put you as Mr. September. We gave September to Piluca’s son, which is unfortunate, because he’s a bit deformed, but the poor boy can’t help it. You wouldn’t mind?
FL: Not at all, not at all.
[The “waiter” brings out a fiery backdrop.]
ML: Come with me, please, Javier! Oh, goodness, with Javier as Mr. August, we’ll be able to buy the new coffeemaker and even replace the plastic blinds!
OT: I didn’t know that you were a photographer!
Waiter: Oh, Óscar Terol, I have to tell you – you have before you the “number one” photographer! I can’t promise that you won’t have red eyes in the photo, because that takes more skill, but I think it will look good.
ML: Give him the helmet, and I’m going to get ready for the photos, too! Look, Javier, I’m getting ready, look!
Waiter: Javi, I’m going to give you some advice: whatever you do, don’t get excited, okay?
Waiter: Remember that you’re a firefighter!
ML: It has to be natural, casual! Look, I’ll explain it a little bit more so you know what the photos are about.
ML: Let me explain. So at my house…
OT: Stay calm, Javier!
ML: Let me explain! At my house, there was a big fire. And you’re going to rescue me, because I’ve fainted on the bed, nearly dead – do you see how it goes? Act like you’re a hero! [They argue inaudibly.] Get on your knees! One knee up, like this. Hey, don’t laugh, Javier, you’re rescuing me. Be serious, because this is for the single-serve coffeemaker! Your other knee, Javier, I’m on this side! Like this. Act like you’re rescuing me, don’t let me fall! Hey, put your leg straight!
JM: It is straight!
ML: And now the cat. Hey, you don’t have to look so serious – we’re not widows, ¡coño! We’re only separated!
OT: I think we’ve got the picture already! Marisa! Marisa!
ML: Another one! Another!
OT: Madame, madame, please. We already have the picture.
ML: One with mouth-to-mouth!
OT: We already have the photo, Marisa. Thank you. Let’s look at the picture…
ML: Ooh, look!
OT: What a Mr. August! Thank you very much, Marisa Lanjarón.
ML: Muchas gracias, Javier!
[Marisa leaves, and the old woman with the vuvuzela is back again.]
OT: Excuse me, just one moment. Madame, I told you before. I’m going to take this away and put it up here, and you can have it back after the show is over.
By the way… I have a picture… this thing about vuvuzelas is curious, because even as a little kid, you were already playing the vuvuzela.
FL: Yes, of course.
OT: Let’s look at this picture of Fernando Llorente, with some soft music please… Is this the camera? No, this one… no, no, that one. Look at him! So cute! You could just eat him up! And he’s got a vuvuzela, or a clarinet, what is that?
FL: It’s a vuvuzela.
OT: Vuvuzela! You can relax, we’re not going to make you play one here…
FL: Well, you already saw that I’ve forgotten how…
OT: You’ve completely forgotten how! Anyway, I have two world champions sitting here with me, I have a vuvuzela, I’ve got pictures, I’ve got the pears, everything, but I still need.. Juanma López Iturriaga!
[Juanma was a member of the Spanish national basketball team that won the 1984 Olympic silver medal.]
[Now Javi puts away the stuffed kitten, next to the slippers, apparently.]
JLI: Good afternoon! How are you? Thank you! Right, before I begin, I’d like to thank Bono for honoring me yesterday in Anoeta (during a U2 concert). The song “Vertigo” starts off with “uno, dos, tres, catorce.” Who is the most famous “catorce” (14) in Spanish basketball?
JLI: Me! Of course! No, Javi Salgado is the second-best “14”!
OT: Is that the medal you won in Atlanta?
JLI: I ran home really quickly, because I was watching and I thought – there’s going to be medals! I’ve just saw a study done by the Spanish Olympic Committee talking about the three most important medals an athlete can win. First, the Olympic gold medal. Second, the Olympic silver medal. Third, the football World Cup gold medal. And here is an Olympic silver medal. This is a medal, go ahead and touch it because this is a real medal!
[Everyone expresses their disagreement as the medal is passed around.]
JLI: But in Johannesburg, they were just handing them out! Three euros for a vuvuzela and a gold medal! Please! You can’t compare it to this!
JLI: [Starts talking about Fernando Alonso, and Basque culture being the key to winning things.] I mean, if we managed to get these two to be world champions, just think what we can achieve with you!
OT: Can we move on?
JLI: By the way, everyone who says that Fernando Llorente is 1.95 meters tall, whatever!
OT: Both of you stand up, please.
JLI: There’s no need!
OT: Stand up, both of you!
[They both stand on tiptoes trying to be taller, but they just stay the same height!]
JLI: As you can see, I’m still the tallest guy here – except for Óscar Terol, of course, who’s a giant – but I’m still the tallest and there’s no way you’re 1.90!
OT: Let’s move on from measurements, Juanma, we could get into trouble…
JLI: Bring on the women!
OT: Let’s bring out Ainhoa Sánchez!
[Ainhoa talks about the week’s football news, and gives an “inspirational” speech about Real Sociedad. Then Agurne Anasagasti comes on to talk about Osasuna, and she interviews some fans.]
OT: When you guys have to talk about an injury you’ve had, that’s annoying, right? To explain what’s wrong, your ligament, whatever…
FL: We learn, over time!
OT: You know who’s really good? He’s right next to you, you can reach out and touch him! This guy, Javier Martínez, he’s a crack! He found the perfect way to explain an injury, I’ve never seen anything more scientific in my entire life!
[Clip of Javi wearing glasses!!!]
JM: A piece of cartilage has come loose, and it’s like a little ball, and it moves around – they call it “ratones” (mice), they’re like little mice that run around inside my knee and cause pain depending on where they are.
[End clip. Javi tries to explain…]
JLI: That sounded like you were drunk, you talk such nonsense!
OT: One moment, one moment…
[They’re interrupted by “Borja.”]
Borja: Can I come out?
OT: Yes, one moment.
Borja: Can you cue my music? Got it? Good, I’m ready!
OT: Is that how the doctor explained it to you?
JM: That’s how the doctor explained it!
OT: And is that how it felt to you?
JM: Yes! A little piece came off, and was going all around in my knee!
[Cue that classic song by Hombres G, “Devúelveme a mi chica” (give my girl back to me) aka “Sufre mamón.”]
Borja: Don’t forget about me, or else my father will forget about you!
OT: This is Borja, the son of one of the directors of this TV channel.
Borja: It’s great that we’re all friends! Anyway, I’ve just had some fantastic “holidays”! I was in LA, paid for by EITB…
OT: Where were you?
Borja: Wait, let me see if I can say it right… Los Angeles. Is that good? Everyone understood? And E-I-T-B is “ITV”. Anyway, you know I did a Masters of Public Relations and Communication, which makes me sad, because I see that your collaborators are a little bit… low quality. I’ve come with my iPod, my iPad, my iBook, and my iBic… This iBic, it has a plastic body and a copper tip… and then, blue ink!
OT: So it’s the same old Bic, no?
Borja: I mean, it’s blue! Like my blood!
JLI: Does it have a camera?
Borja: Hey! I was just looking at you guys earlier – were you two in South Africa? In June? We were on the same safari together, seeing the lions, the “cocodriles” (crocodiles)…
JM: Yes, yes! (In English!)
Borja: The elephants, the…
JM: Hi-ppoos? (In English again!)
Borja: The giraffes. You guys were there, what were you doing? Was it a school field trip?
[Everyone laughs a lot at this suggestion.]
Borja: I don’t know, I mean, I see that you’ve come here with your teacher.
JM: That’s what it looks like, doesn’t it?
Borja: Sorry, I don’t know much about working people, but if I see a teacher “with students,” I know it’s a field trip!
FL: Yes, it was something like that.
JLI: A graduation trip.
Borja: Graduation, eh? Very good! Lots of luck, boys. Anyway, I’m here because I want to talk every week about the sport of “racing”…
OT: Do you think that being the director’s son gives you the right to come here and do whatever you want, Borja?
Borja: Oh, so that’s how it is? I don’t want to get into it with you – but watch your back, Óscar. “Don’t relax.”
[The skit with Borja keeps going for a bit but it gets less interesting.]
OT: We’re free, to a certain extent. Mr. Teacher, please.
JLI: Well, you know that you guys come here to make jokes, and I come here to teach those who don’t know. I have some teaching to do, and by chance, Fernando and Javier are here today. You’ve got to improve La Liga, chicos, it’s the best league in the world, with the best players in the world, but when it comes to celebrations…
[They show a clip of La Liga goal celebrations.]
JLI: As you can see, lots of celebrations, very unsophisticated. It happens with big teams, with little teams, teams like Atlético Madrid, which we don’t know whether to call big or small, but it’s always the classic hug… It’s all very, very unsophisticated, and if we’re going to be the best league in the world, it needs to be the best in everything. It’s incredible, because if you look around on the internet, you find videos of celebrations in countries that are supposedly – Germany, for example – supposedly reserved. Look at this! Rambo-style celebration! And the best, or the worst is yet to come! And Iceland! Look! He throws out the line, reels it in… the salmon celebration! And now that he’s got the salmon, then they take a picture! This is in Iceland!
OT: Who would be the salmon at Athletic?
FL: I don’t know, Javi or me?
JLI: They say that you’re the biggest salmon, is that true?
FL: No, no.
[Óscar talks about a celebration contest they’re going to run.]
OT: Do we have time? This is a bit unusual, but there’s a woman sitting in the audience, she doesn’t know I’m about to do this. She’s a Hungarian woman, and she’s here because she’s doing her thesis on Athletic de Bilbao and its influence on our society. She doesn’t know that I’m going to make her come down here… Come here, por favor.
[Jen wants to know why this is not her thesis, and if it’s too late to change medieval literature for Basque footballer studies.]
JLI: This is for real? She’s Hungarian? You can tell.
Marián: You can tell, from the accent.
OT: No, you don’t have an accent. What’s your name?
Marián: I have an accent like Ujfaluši!
OT: What’s your name?
Marián: My name is Marián.
OT: Right, Marián, and she’s doing her thesis on Athletic…
Marián: About Athletic as a social phenomenon.
OT: What could be better for your doctoral thesis then, on the day you submit it, giving them a DVD of you coming on this show with two cracks of Athletic, and asking them a question?
Marián: Do you want a serious question, or a less serious question?
OT: Whatever you want. Less serious!
Marián: I watched you at the World Cup as well, and something that surprised me was that on YouTube, Iker and Sara’s kiss got more views than Iniesta’s goal. How do you feel about that? What does it mean?
JM: I haven’t seen it!
FL: Me neither!
JLI: You mean you haven’t seen the goal!
OT: It’s true that the non-sporting things got a lot of attention, but the sports side of things was important too!
JM: It was muy bonito (very beautiful).
OT: And you haven’t seen it? I think everyone was thinking, “do it, do it!”
JM: They deserved it.
OT: They both deserved it.
FL: People talked a lot about them, not very nicely.
JM: He felt a bit more free.
OT: Another question!
Marián: Other than football, what did you guys do in South Africa? Any cultural trips?
JLI: Javi, answer, tío!
JM: We went on a safari…
Marián: Because South Africa is a fascinating and also very complicated country…
JM: We did that safari, like we were talking about earlier…
OT: With Borja!
JM: But most of the time we were in the hotel, concentrados, playing cards, doing magic tricks [who else besides Javi?], playing la Play. It was good, because we had a place all to ourselves, to relax, and we just killed time there.
FL: We had a really good time.
OT: Muchas gracias, we hope your thesis goes well, that it turns out how you want it to, and I suppose you’ll be around here, gathering information and doing interviews, so you’ll run into each other again. A round of applause, please!
JLI: It must be great, to be at a club where people write theses about you!
OT: Do we have time to do that thing about the diving? Last week, we gave an award for the “best dive in La Liga,” we gave it to Arribas, who plays for Real Sociedad [Javi looks confused], and we wanted to honor you, Fernando – not that you dived last week, but looking through our videos, we found a selection of your best acting!
[They show clips of Fernando falling over/diving.]
JLI: I have to say, you’re really clever. They’re all clear fouls! Penalty, penalty!
OT: You’re getting better…
JLI: And this one is a card! Oh, that one was good. But we saved the best for last!
AS: It’s not easy, this falling thing! You have to fall at the right time, and with some style!
JLI: It’s about tricking people. I’m totally against diving!
AS: It’s part of the game!
OT: Is it easy?
FL: I never dive!
OT: You, Javi, I suppose you’ve dived a time or two?
JM: I dived once.
OT: Do you practice these things?
FT: Sometimes, when they’re grabbing you, you just have to do something so that the referee sees it, or he won’t whistle for a foul!
OT: So it’s like a cry for attention? I wanted to call you on it, even though I understand that sometimes you have to do it. We’re going to see how easy it is to dive – you two, come with me, please!
JLI: No way is he 1.95m!
OT: I’m going to give you cards, a red and a yellow. You’re the referees now, and I’m going to ask three members of the audience to come here…
JLI & AS: Me, me!
OT: But first the audience, I want them to dive! [He picks three audience members and shows the “equipment” for diving practice. Fer and Javi do a little conferring.] You know you can buy these machines, you know that, right? Let’s start. We’re going to pretend that this is Ujfaluši, sticking his leg out, on the edge of the area, and you’re going to try, one by one, to see if it’s easy to dive!
[The volunteers dive, and get red cards, yellow cards and a penalty, respectively.]
OT: Juanma López Iturriaga!
JLI: I always played serious sports, so…
Everyone: ¡Penalti! [Watch out for Javi’s reaction!]
[Ainhoa’s dive is not very good. Too elegant!]
OT: Fernando Llorente, it’s been a pleasure. Javi Martínez, you’re welcome here anytime, it’s your house!