you want even more Javi (!!!), don’t you?
Well, I aim to please here at con la roja! The 24 Hours* of Javi (!!!) Martínez continue with another TV appearance, this time on the show “Uyyyyy.” And once again, Jen has generously provided a translation of the Javi moments! Some background info: the other guy on the program is Javi’s Athleti teammate Óscar de Marcos, and the voice of a certain Xabi Alonso makes an appearance!
* I might extend that to even longer, depending on how much free time I have this weekend.
Start watching around the 03:56 mark. And imagine that all the “Javi” and “JM” hereinafter are really “Javi (!!!)” and “J(!!!)M,” ¿vale?
Óscar Terol: Let’s welcome the first two guests on tonight’s program… They’re two young cracks of Athletic, and their names are Óscar de Marcos and Javier Martínez! Welcome, make yourselves at home. And before we get started, I should say that in the audience we have the Peña Javi Martínez from Las Arenas, the Peña De Marcos from La Guardia, and the Peña Armando from Bilbao – a round of applause for them! Hey, I’ve been doing this for a long time, why don’t I have a peña? You guys just kick a ball around a few times and you’ve already got fans…
Javi Martínez: Yeah… the truth is that I asked them to come because I was excited about this, and they create a great atmosphere, they do it really well.
OT: Well, we’re going to start with your biographies from the beginning, because we want to get to know you a little bit better. And we’re going to start right from the beginning, particularly with you, Javi – let’s just say that you’ve never been very good at driving tractors, right?
JM: ¡Joder! The truth is, no, no… I guess you’re saying that because of that little accident I had as a kid.
OT: He just flipped his father’s tractor! A “accident!”
JM: Well, I was really little… one day with my friends, in Aiegi, we took one of the tractors, just for fun, but we didn’t know how to work it, and we started it and it went forward, and we didn’t know how to make it stop, so it ran into a wall and started to turn over, and luckily it went over on its side – if it had gone backwards…
OT: Since farming wasn’t your thing, you decided to kick footballs instead.
[They discuss Óscar’s inability to ride horses, and a certain bet involving a pizza delivery and nudity. Óscar says he was hoping they wouldn’t be discussing that, but a certain cabrón (aka Javi) told them about it.]
OT: Javi, continuing with your childhood, growing up in a small town, you were a little demon as a kid, weren’t you? You were an altar boy in the church and you drove the priest crazy!
JM: Yes… no! It was all because my mother has always been very religious…
OT: She went to mass, and she’s from Navarra??
JM: Yes, she always went to mass… and she always took me to mass with her, and she signed me up to be an altar boy, so I helped the priest a little bit.
OT: Another funny thing about this kid, if you go to Google and search for “Javi, sheets, grandmother,” you get “fire.” Why did you set fire to your grandmother’s sheets?
JM: You’re only going to talk about bad stuff, eh?
OT: And it gets worse! Why did you set your grandmother’s sheets on fire?
JM: I don’t know, I still don’t know! I was playing on the terrace of my house, and I don’t know what I did, but it started to burn – she had all the clothes and stuff hanging out to dry, and it just went up in flames!
OT: Oh, they were hanging up? I thought they were on the bed, I was imagining your grandmother…
JM: No, they were hanging up, but it all burned, and the firefighters came and everything!
OT: Well, let’s talk about more pleasant things, this is getting pretty rough. Looking through the video archives, we saw that you were on “El derby” with a friend of ours, José Ituarte, and you talked about your life… let’s watch a clip.
José Ituarte: Well, Javi, let’s get down to details. Ricky Martin recently admitted his homosexuality, and he says that for him, it’s a gift. Have you talked about this in the locker rooms at Athletic?
JM: No, not in the locker room…
JI: I don’t know if you remember, but there was also that story about Ricky Martin, on “Sorpresa, sorpresa,” with the dog, the Nutella or the marmalade… [Jen: This is an urban legend, and it’s kind of gross. Google for details.]
JM: That makes it even more special…
JI: Yes, very special. And what do you think – are people born gay, or do they become that way over time?
JM: I think it’s about your feelings.
JI: It’s about feelings. What a lovely way of putting it. Muchas gracias, Javi.
OT: “I think it’s about feelings…” Are you guys like Ricky Martin, do you live la vida loca?
Óscar de Marcos: No, for me, not so crazy.
OT: What, you have to decide whether to leave the pueblo, go to the city? By the way, José Ituarte was very brave, in that interview he touched on a very delicate topic with great ease, and you spoke freely about a complicated issue. Let’s watch that, because I think it was a very important moment of television.
JI: Going back to an earlier topic, Javi, the rumors in Bilbao – and I’m asking with full journalistic rigor – say that you and Óscar de Marcos have a particularly special relationship, and that you even signed up for state-subsidized housing together, but that they didn’t give it to you.
JM: Well, it was done by lottery, and we had a bit of bad luck, too.
JI: And how are you getting on? Are you fighting for your relationship?
JM: People need to understand that we’re going to try with everything we’ve got, we’re going to give it our all…
JI: Beautiful. The truth is that it’s very beautiful. Óscar de Marcos says, and I’m quoting verbatim, that you’re a bit grumpy, but that you have your charms.
JM: No, the truth is… well, he says those things, but we get along really well.
JI: By the way, there were also rumors that Andoni Iraola had his eye on you. How does he feel about your thing with Óscar de Marcos?
JM: The truth is that Andoni is a little bit hurt.
JI: Thank you, Javi. As you can see, if you’re a good listener, you can read between the lines!
OT: I’ve always said that it’s better to talk about these things like this, openly.
[More questions with Óscar de Marcos.]
OT: Javi, you’ve been talked about in connection with English clubs. Would you like to play in the Premier League?
JM: I think the Premier League is one of the best leagues in Europe right now, but I’ve always said that I’m very happy here and at the moment I wouldn’t leave for anything in the world.
OT: Don’t let him go!
Agurne Anasagasti: I wanted to say, we know that Javi’s buyout clause is €30 million – but I want to know how much he’d cost me, per kilo?
OT: A kilo of Javi?
AA: Do you mind if we weigh you, Javi?
[They weigh him.]
AA: Eighty eight kilos. That’s, let’s see… that’s €340,000 per kilo! Have you got insurance on that body, Javi?
JM: No, no, I don’t have it insured!
OT: How much does one kilo of Javi cost? Hang on, can I weigh myself?
JM: Hey, hey, be careful, you might break that!
OT: That’s 95 kilos. But my clause is much cheaper than that of Javi.
[Clip of Javi having an altercation with Yaya Touré in a match against Barcelona.]
OT: If you’d fallen backwards, started complaining, they would have expelled him from the match and he wouldn’t have been able to play against Madrid…
JM: I don’t know what would have happened… maybe, maybe not. It depends on the referee. And he hit me quite hard, but it wasn’t that serious, it didn’t hurt me.
OT: He didn’t know that he was hitting a hard Navarrese head!
JM: Yeah, the truth is my head’s pretty hard!
OT: Did you hit him, or did he hit you?
JM: I don’t really know – we both hit out heads together, and he…
OT: It was like a fight between rams!
AA: We’re going to see what some of your teammates say about you guys…
Koikili Lertxundi (to Javi): See if you can clean out your locker that’s so full of shit, there’s not even enough space for your teammates! Tell them, show them the state it’s in!
AA: What is it about your locker that has Koikili so concerned?
JM: He’s exaggerating… ¡joder! There are a couple of papers out of place and he acts like it’s the end of the world!
AA: What do you keep in our locker? Some magazines and things like that?
JM: No, none of that! Papers, letters that come for me, from people…
AA: From your admiradoras (female fans)?
JM: No… admiradoras no! Admiradores (male fans).
OT: No, he made that clear with José Ituarte!
JM: There’s also a girl who sends letters… and there are some clothes, too.
[They talk about a prank Ustaritz played on Óscar de Marcos, and Ustaritz’s jokes.]
AA: Where do you hook up the most? In Aiegi, in La Guardia, or in Bilbao?
JM: Nowhere. Nowhere, with faces like these, we don’t hook up at all!
AA & OT & audience: I don’t believe that!
JM: In La Guardia, I think…
AA: When you go to a store and the salesgirl recognizes you, what do you ask for, a discount or her phone number?
AA: You don’t need to be so formal here!
JM: Neither… I just ask how much it costs…
AA: How much what costs?
JM: What I’m buying!
(Javi complains that the Cola Cao is cold.)
OT: We’re going to talk to a friend of the show, his name is Xabi Alonso, he plays for Real Madrid, and he’s on the phone! Xabi, gabon (good evening)!
Xabi Alonso: Kaixo, gabon (hi, good evening)!
OT: How are you, Xabi?
XA: Good, good.
[They talk about the upcoming clásico, spring 2010.]
OT: We have Javi Martínez and Oscar de Marcos here. I don’t know if you know them…
XA: Javi, I met when they came to Liverpool, and De Marcos, I don’t know if I know him, but we’ll meet at San Mamés this year.
OT: There are a lot of rumors saying that Javi could go to the Premier League. Since you’ve played at Liverpool, what advice would you give him if he wants to leave?
XA: Well, first of all, he’s good where he is now. But if he wanted to go, I think he’d fit really well. He’s having a great season and…
OT: And if he wants to go to Real Madrid? Would you welcome him with open arms?
XA: He should wait a few years, otherwise he’s going to take my spot! I’m already a veteran.
JM: Qué grande es este tío, qué grande.
OT: Xabi, eskerrik asko (thank you)! Come do the show please, before you go to South Africa, and we’ll talk about the season!
They track Javi’s worth on the stock market – it skyrockets – and discuss his increasing value. Then the “waiter” comes to take away their Cola Cao which they haven’t drunk, and makes them drink it. Javi complains: “It’s got lumps! It’s still powdery!” But he drinks it. “You have to stir it up, it’s all lumpy!” And then it’s time for magic tricks, most of which are not done by Javi, unfortunately.
A Florentino Pérez imitator comes on and offers to buy Javi, first confusing him with Óscar, then saying he’ll buy them both. “Florentino” promises houses, cars, and women, but Javi says that “everything we want, we have here!” Even the allure of a Kaká or Xabi-level salary – between €7-9 million per year – doesn’t sway the boys. “Then I couldn’t go to a bar and have a beer with my friends,” Óscar says. Florentino counters: “No, but even better – you could bring the bar to your house!”
A mock-clip of Vicente del Bosque saying that Javi will be part of La Roja is next, after which Javi’s “stock” goes off the charts, and Óscar informs Florentino that there’s no way he’ll be able to buy Javi Martínez.
After “Florentino” leaves, the host ends their segment with a musical montage called “Don’t Go To Madrid,” dedicated to Javi [it’s a parody of a famous Joaquín Sabina song,”Pongamos que hablo de Madrid,” (Let’s talk about Madrid)]. The entire audience is invited to sing along.